It's been far too long since I posted on my blog. Apologies for that.
A few years ago I wrote a One-Act-Play called "Going Viral" - it's about a global pandemic!
I have updated some of the dialogue to include Covid-19. The play is a black comedy and you can read iy below. I hope you like it, laugh at, find it intriguing or maybe a little disturbing.
GOING VIRAL
A One Act Play
by Bob Goodwin (c)2020
Going Viral
(In the laboratory EVE is sitting at the computer quietly checking notes from a folder and then tapping away at the keyboard to enter the data. After a moment there is a knock on the door which then opens and a head sticks through.)
ADAM: Hello! Are you there, Eve?
EVE: Hey Adam. Nice to see you. Come on in. Just about finished here. Be with you in a sec.
(ADAM wanders about looking at things)
ADAM: So this is where it all happens eh? Great discoveries to save the world.
EVE: This is the place (she types away at the keyboard).
(ADAM drops onto the bench and picks up the magazine)
EVE: There we go. That’ll do for now.
(EVE returns the folder to the bookshelf. ADAM stands. The two embrace and kiss.)
EVE: Nice of you to drop round. The cafeteria must be quiet this morning?
ADAM: Extra staff and fewer customers always makes for an easy shift. Where’s the boss?
2
Going Viral
EVE: The Professor is out with Gerald. Checking his vitals – putting him through his paces. The usual routine.
ADAM: That’s the gay dude, right?
EVE: He’s a really cool guy. I’ll have to introduce you sometime. I’m sure you’ll get on just great.
ADAM: Really? You think so?
EVE: Sure. He’s really good natured and has a terrific sense of humour. I know you would like him.
ADAM: Enough about gay Gerald for the moment. I’m here because I have a surprise for you.
EVE: Ooh! I like surprises.
ADAM: Life in this compound, to say the least, is a drag, right?
EVE: It is, but it is safe against the virus. The thousands of people that live here all have a future thanks to the compound, thanks to the security and thanks to the air and water filtration systems. No doubt it gets a little mundane and there’s not much to keep us occupied in our spare time, I grant you that.
ADAM: Exactly, so what if there was a place that was just as safe? With the same or even better safety processes in place. A place where you could go and have a night out. Have some fun for once.
3
Going Viral
EVE: Adam, there is a no such place.
ADAM: Ah, but there is! (he takes a coloured leaflet from his pocket). Look here. A nightclub not that far out of the compound. Air filtration second to none. Full security and testing for everyone coming and going. Eve, we can go out. Spend some quality time together and have a terrific night out. It’s on tonight. This is so fantastic.
EVE: It sounds really great. But I’m not so sure.
ADAM: This is no dodgy scam. The leaflet was produced and printed right here – in the compound.
EVE: Yeah, I see that.
ADAM: I’ve called the contact number and it’s all legit. This is our chance.
EVE: Anyway, even if we did go, how would we get out of here? We don’t have that level of access. And we would never be granted clearance.
ADAM: I was thinking about that...
EVE: I don’t think I’m going to like this.
ADAM: You use one of the Professor’s cards. He will have full access.
EVE: I steal one of his swipe cards!
4
Going Viral
ADAM: No, no. You borrow it. Just for tonight. That’s all. Not stealing. It will be perfect. You and me, Eve. A chance to have a good time together. It’s going to be fine. I promise.
The lights fade to denote the passage of time...
When the lighting returns...
(The PROFESSOR is checking the computer. His glasses are perched on the end of his nose. GERALD is sitting on the bench flicking through a magazine.
PROFESSOR: Where is Eve? This is her job. She should have been here half an hour ago. I really need to get your stats updated. Sorry for the delay, Gerald.
GERALD: Don’t you worry your precious head about it now. I’m sure she’ll be here soon, sweetheart.
PROFESSOR: The girl knows I like to have a certain order of things - a firm routine. It’s good scientific practice. This is no holiday camp.
GERALD: Of course, love, but sometimes we need to be a little flexible don’t we? Don’t get me wrong I do like a firm approach to things, if you know what I mean. Let’s just say a little less rigid is okay from time to time.
(The remark goes straight past the PROFESSOR.)
PROFESSOR: It would appear that our experimental rats are getting on better now. The males seem less competitive since the last test dose of the serum. Interesting.
5
Going Viral
GERALD: Maybe it’s time for you to publish some more of your recent findings (he holds up the magazine and waves it about). We could do with a few more research dollars.
PROFESSOR: I’m sure you’d love to get your picture in a magazine or have it splashed out all over the internet.
GERALD: Darling, I’m hanging out for it! What’s it been now... nearly three years since my last photo shoot when you made me famous?
PROFESSOR: It is probably best for the time being that you continue to stay under the radar, otherwise we’d have all sorts of crackpots and social do-gooders giving us grief and interfering with our research.
GERALD: Oh, I suppose you’re right. It’s a shame though. I do so love the spotlight.
PROFESSOR: Okay, that will have to do here for the moment (He gets up from the computer). Let’s get you to the gym and monitor your current status (he picks up the clipboard and inspects it). Today it’s just the basic once over, so we should be all done quite quickly, then you can assist me with collating some research data.
GERALD: I’m all yours.
(GERALD places the open magazine carefully on the bench seat so as not to lose his place then bounces to his feet and removes his floral shirt. He folds it and places it neatly on the work bench.)
6
Going Viral
PROFESSOR She is really quite late. Apart from being a little annoying, this is somewhat unusual and most puzzling.
GERALD: You’re always analysing something. Forget about Eve for the moment, you’ve got to analyse me (he gives a quick pirouette and looks himself over with approval). And, I must say, I am looking mighty fine indeed.
PROFESSOR: Come on. Let’s get on with it then.
(The two exit the stage. All is quiet. There is no one on stage. After a moment there is a KNOCK on the door.)
EVE: (O.S.) Professor! Gerald!
(There is another KNOCK on the door)
(O.S.) Professor, are you there?
(The side door opens slowly and EVE pops her head in.)
Professor?
(EVE steps out from behind the door.)
Adam, it’s all clear. You can come on in.
(EVE waves for ADAM to come in.)
ADAM: You sure we’re okay here?
7
Going Viral
EVE: Yes, yes, come on. We need to be quick.
ADAM: How long have we got?
EVE: Not that long. Maybe just a few minutes. Just give me a moment to check out the data first.
(EVE is promptly at the PC tapping away at the keyboard and checking the screen. ADAM picks up the magazine and flicks through a couple of pages then drops it back down. He wanders around the laboratory somewhat nervously, checking out and touching things.)
EVE: Adam! Hands off!
ADAM: Hey, no damage done. Just looking. We will be okay won’t we? You will find what we need?
EVE: We’ll be just fine. Give me a minute.
ADAM: I’m feeling basically okay so far. I don't feel sick at all. Apart from being a quivering nervous wreck that is.
EVE: We are still within a safe time frame. Just let me check things here.
(ADAM holds out his hand and briefly observes the tremor in his fingers.)
ADAM: I’m shaking like a bloody leaf. Look at me!
EVE: Be patient.
8
Going Viral
ADAM: (He holds up a test tube and taps it with his finger) Hey what’s the Prof brewing in here (He takes a smell)?
EVE: Don’t!
ADAM: Geez! That’s off!
EVE: No interference. It’s all research stuff. I believe that’s a faecal experiment.
ADAM: Oh crap!
EVE: Exactly!
ADAM: Now I really do feel a bit seedy.
EVE: Just don’t fiddle. The Professor will know. He’s got an eye for every detail.
ADAM: Sorry, I’ll just remain motionless then shall I?
EVE: That would be good! Thanks.
(ADAM stands like a statue for a moment but the floral shirt catches his eye. He takes a cautious look in Eve’s direction, slowly shuffles across, and picks it up.)
ADAM: Whose woeful shirt is this?
9
Going Viral
EVE: Put it down! It’s Gerald’s. He’s the gay guy I’ve told you about. He’s very unique. A scientific special case. Now, stop touching things!
ADAM: I can’t help it. I’m nervous. I can’t keep still. You just get us fixed up then I can sit and relax a little.
EVE: Please! Give me a chance.
ADAM: So Gerald is a special case! The Professor’s special squeeze maybe?
EVE: Hey?
ADAM: Nothing (He puts the shirt back – unfolded).
(ADAM continues nervously wandering about the lab peering at things, going to touch things but then checking himself and trying to keep his hands in his pockets.)
ADAM: How are you going there?
EVE: I can’t find the details of dosage here. I know it’s in here somewhere, but we just don’t have enough time for me to keep looking. We’ll just have to take our chances.
ADAM: Take our chances! I was really hoping to hear something a little more precise than that. You said we would be just fine!
10
Going Viral
(EVE gets up and heads to the fridge. She removes a large plastic container and places it on top of the fridge. On the side is large lettering - “WARNING – EXPERIMENTAL!!”)
They look at each other. EVE turns the box around. Now we see the words “ANIMAL USE ONLY”
ADAM: Oh my God! It's experimental, for animals only!
EVE: Sorry, but... look... I’m sure we’ll be fine.
ADAM: Jesus Christ!
EVE: It’s been tested... just not on people. Adam stand still for a moment. Please! We have no choice. Anyway, we are all animals after all.
ADAM: That is not particularly encouraging. How many animals have died testing this stuff!
EVE: We’re very desperate animals, and we have no other option.
(EVE peels the plastic lid from the box and removes 2 syringes and hands them to ADAM. He holds them between 2 fingers well out from his body. EVE seals the lid and returns the box to the fridge.)
ADAM: You have great faith in the Professor don’t you?
EVE: He’s a brilliant man. In the field of genetic studies and immunology he has no equal.
11
Going Viral
ADAM: This is still experimental. The warning is very clear.
EVE: He discovered the genetic codes for homosexuality back in 2017 you know.
ADAM: Sure. And look at all the problems that’s caused. Now we have genetic gays, straight gays, social gays, the Gays by Choice Rights group and goodness knows what else! It’s a bloody social and political war out there.
EVE: That’s not his fault. The point is he’s a scientific genius. And beyond that we have no choice but to put our faith in his work. He is the world’s leading expert on the Mutating Degenerative Virus - strain 3.
ADAM: I think he’s become the leading expert on M.D.V.3 by default. All the others have died!
EVE: And that will be our fate too unless we have this vaccine. We need to do it now before we pass the point of no return.
ADAM: I don’t even feel unwell at the moment. Apart that turd smell which seems stuck in my nose.
EVE: That’s good, because if you did you’d be dead in less than four hours.
ADAM: Do you think we could have had false positive results? I’ve heard of it happening. I read about it on the net.
12
Going Viral
EVE: Not three times in a row. And for both of us at the same time. The probability of that occurring would have to be well over a billion to one.
ADAM: Okay then, come here. You’re first.
(ADAM puts one syringe on the bench top and gets ready with the other. EVE hesitates. ADAM notices.)
ADAM (cont’d): Well? Come on. He’s a scientific genius. He discovered the genetic link for gays for Christ’s sake. You’re going first!
(EVE presents her upper arm to ADAM.)
EVE: Just do it.
(ADAM injects her in the upper arm then stands holding the syringe as if it’s contaminated.)
Put it in there (EVE indicates to the sharps container. ADAM drops it in.)
ADAM: You okay?
EVE: Fine. (She picks up the other syringe) You ready?
ADAM: What about the dosage? We could just drop dead you know!
13
Going Viral
EVE: These syringes were intended for use on chimpanzees. I can only suppose it’s close enough.
14
Going Viral
ADAM: Oh lovely. You’re so reassuring. Monkey medicine! That’s just great. I thought you said everything would be okay. (He signals quotation marks with both hands) Oh lovely. “Don’t worry Adam, I work with the Professor and I know all the ins and outs of the lab, it’ll be fine.”
(EVE just grabs his arm and pushes it in.)
Shit! Your bedside manner needs a little attention.
EVE: You had no complaints last night. (EVE drops the syringe into the container)
ADAM: Yeah, well that was before you took me out on the journey of death.
EVE: I did what?
ADAM: Well, you stole the Professor’s access card. You knew his access codes to get us out of the compound.
EVE: Borrowed! I borrowed the damn card, and anyway it was your idea to go to the nightclub. Don’t go blaming me. You insisted it was safe. In fact you said it was guaranteed safe.
ADAM: It was.
EVE: You said everyone was tested and cleared before being allowed in.
15
Going Viral
ADAM: You were there. You know they were!
EVE: You said they had a state of the art air filtration system. As good as or even better than here.
ADAM: They do!
EVE: Well, why were we negative on the way in and positive on the way out? Why Adam? Explain that to me, because I sure as hell don’t understand it.
(ADAM falls silent and turns away.)
(EVE takes a moment to collect herself.)
EVE: I’m sorry, baby. I guess neither of us was thinking clearly. I know the compound is safe and secure and it was wrong for me to venture outside.
ADAM: No, it was my fault. There can never be any one hundred percent guarantee. I should never have believed that in the first place. I just wanted us to get a break from here for a change. I’m sick of being cooped up in this stupid compound. It’s really just a bloody prison. It might be safe from the virus, but it’s certainly not a safe place for your brain. I’ve been nearly out of my mind. What’s it been? Nine months?
EVE: Don’t go blaming yourself. I work here with the Professor. I probably know more about M.D.V.3 than most people. I should have known better. I just wasn’t thinking clearly. I'm sorry.
16
Going Viral
(There is the sound of movement and doors opening and closing on the left of stage.)
EVE: Shit, someone’s coming. We need to go.
(ADAM and EVE exit via the other door.)
(After a moment the PROFESSOR and GERALD enter.)
PROFESSOR: So, Gerald, you’re in perfect health and excellent physical shape.
(The PROFESSOR returns the clipboard to the bench then moves over to the computer.)
GERALD: Well of course I am. (He picks up his shirt and looks at it inquisitively.). What else would you expect, sweetheart?
PROFESSOR: That’s odd.
GERALD: So is this (puzzling over his shirt a moment longer before putting it back on).
PROFESSOR: I was sure I left this screen displaying the research data on the rats, not on the chimpanzees.
(GERALD moves over to the bench seat and notices his magazine.)
GERALD: Well, bugger me slowly, someone has been getting amongst my shirt and my magazine. And they’ve lost my place!
17
Going Viral
PROFESSOR: Give Eve’s mobile a ring. She may have been in here. If not we have a security breech. Maybe you could also ask if there’s any chance she’ll be coming to work today. There’s a lot on and we could use her help.
(GERALD rings EVE.)
GERALD: Morning Eve, darling. Have I disturbed your beauty sleep?
(Pause)
Have you by chance been in the lab this morning?
(GERALD wanders about while on the phone. He brushes at his clothes to neaten himself up.)
(Pause)
No, you haven’t. Well we might have a wee problem then. Because it appears someone has been fiddling with the Professor’s computer. And you know how particular he is about who fiddles with what around here.
(Pause)
Hey, precious, you have either been in here or not. Make up your mind, darling.
(Pause)
Okay then. Settle petal. No drama. Now, will we be seeing your pretty face soon? He who must be obeyed awaits your appearance. You know how he likes things. Predictable, orderly. A place and time for everything and everyone.
(Pause)
18
Going Viral
GERALD (cont’d): Okay sweetness. Take a few deep breathes, relax and we’ll see you shortly. Bye now love.
PROFESSOR: Well?
GERALD: She sounded a little confused I must say. At first she said she had just got out of bed, then she remembered she had just popped in to get her iPod, but needed to return to her unit to freshen up.
PROFESSOR: I trust she will be returning soon then?
GERALD: She says she won’t be long.
PROFESSOR: Did she touch the computer?
GERALD: I believe she did. Why, I don’t really know.
(GERALD drops his head to one side puzzling over his chat with EVE.)
I mean, if it was a quick trip just to get her iPod why would she need to be looking at the chimpanzee data? And why would she need to pop back for her iPod at all if she’s about to come to work anyway? And why would she stop to look at my magazine? And how is it she didn’t remember being here when she was here only a matter of minutes ago? And why…
PROFESSOR: Gerald!
GERALD: (Startled) Hey!
19
Going Viral
PROFESSOR: That will do. Leave the questions to me.
GERALD: Well, okay. I suppose you are the knowledgeable one aren’t you. But it is puzzling, at least for my wee brain.
(GERALD sits down with his magazine.)
PROFESSOR: Don’t get too comfortable. I want you to grab the most recent data entries from the chimpanzee research program. Specifically the data on the viral studies. The last two months should do.
GERALD: Well okay, if I must.
PROFESSOR: The latest data from the chimp’ lab has just come through. At face value the figures look both intriguing and a little disturbing.
(GERALD goes to the bookcase where he sifts among several books and folders before selecting one which he opens as he walks over to the PROFESSOR.)
GERALD: This looks like the one.
PROFESSOR: Very good. Now you sit down here and check off every one of those written entries against those on the computer. I need to be one hundred percent sure our figures are correct.
(The PROFESSOR gets up and GERALD takes his seat.)
GERALD: Is there some problem with my monkey friends?
20
Going Viral
PROFESSOR: Well, if there’s a problem it won’t be so much with the chimps. It will be with using the vaccine on humans, but let’s just check the data first shall we.
GERALD: When you say the humans you mean as in humanity right?
PROFESSOR: Unfortunately yes. I mean humanity. The vaccine may need some readjusting, but time may not allow us that privilege.
GERALD: Well, sweetheart, I don’t like the sound of that. Aren’t we in enough trouble already? You do know the figures are right, don’t you, Professor? We always double-check them.
PROFESSOR: Just check them again will you.
(The PROFESSOR begins a slow walk to and fro across the stage. GERALD starts checking the data.)
(After a moment there is a KNOCK on the door. The door opens and EVE enters. She leaves the door slightly ajar.)
EVE: Morning all!
(GERALD looks over and catches her eye. He smiles and draws a finger sharply across his throat.)
Sorry I’m late.
PROFESSOR: And what have you been up to my girl?
21
Going Viral
EVE: A bit of a late night I’m afraid watching reruns of old movies for way too long. (She moves promptly towards the bookcase.) I’ll get straight onto the filing shall I?
PROFESSOR: I think not. Just come and sit down.
EVE: I’m running a bit late, I should make a start…
PROFESSOR: No, no, no. Here (pointing to the bench seat)! Now!
(EVE stops in her tracks, moves over and slowly sits.)
PROFESSOR: Okay, much better. You can hand it over now please, Eve.
EVE: Hey? Hand what over? I don’t know what on Earth you’re talking about.
PROFESSOR: Now come on. You and I both know that you have something of mine.
EVE: I really think the filing needs attention.
(EVE goes to stand but the PROFESSOR pushes her back down.)
PROFESSOR: Please.
(EVE reaches into her pocket and removes a plastic card and hands it over.)
GERALD: Oh my God! Is that the Professor’s access card?
22
Going Viral
PROFESSOR: Thank you.
GERALD: Someone has been a bit naughty haven’t they?
PROFESSOR: Gerald! If you could just check the data please!
(GERALD does an imaginary zip of his mouth; locks it and throws away the key.)
Now, Eve, what have you been up to? It’s got to be one of two things hasn’t it? Either you’ve been in the restricted lab with the chimpanzees or you’ve ventured somewhere outside the compound. Which is it?
EVE: (upset) I’m sorry.
PROFESSOR: It is most important that I know now. I could just contact security and they will check last night’s log, but it would be quicker and possibly easier if you just tell me.
EVE: We left the compound. I’m really so sorry. It was wrong, and I should have known better.
PROFESSOR: Yes, you should have. Now who is we?
EVE: That would be me and Adam.
(The PROFESSOR stands and starts slowly pacing again.)
23
Going Viral
PROFESSOR: Okay, well the next question is, did you go to any area where there were groups of other people, or was it just the two of you taking a romantic stroll just outside the main building?
EVE: We went to a nightclub.
GERALD: Oh my God!
EVE: They said it was safe! They guaranteed it!
GERALD: Oh my love, there is no safe. Not anymore.
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Gerald.
(GERALD gets back to his data checking.)
PROFESSOR: You do know that all public associations outside of private residences are currently banned unless cleared by the National Health M.D.V.3 safety committee?
EVE: Yes, I was aware of the ruling. I knew it was an illegal gathering. I’m so sorry. I know I’ve let you down. I broke your golden rule and let my emotions control my thinking.
PROFESSOR: Now would be a good time to call your young man in. He can’t spend all morning hanging around doorways. And I’m sure he can’t quite hear everything from there anyway.
EVE: Who? What? I don’t know... Oh dear... (calling out) Adam! You may as well come in.
24
Going Viral
(There is a brief pause. ADAM enters rather sheepishly.)
PROFESSOR: Good morning Adam, perhaps you could take a seat next to Eve. Now I expect you both have tested yourselves, and double checked the results?
EVE: Triple checked!
PROFESSOR: And?
(EVE drops her head into her hands and cries. ADAM consoles her. GERALD gasps.)
GERALD: Holy Mary, mother of God! You were both positive weren’t you? Now that’s thrown the pussy among the pigeons hasn’t it?
(The PROFESSOR walks past the bench. He stops and looks at ADAM and EVE then at the sharps container.)
PROFESSOR: A picture is beginning to unfold and it’s not a particularly pleasant one. (He picks up the container and peers inside.) Well, what have we here?
(GERALD covers his mouth in horror. The PROFESSOR replaces the sharps container and goes to the fridge, opens it and pulls out the plastic box and removes the lid. He looks in and counts.)
GERALD: Surely not! You wouldn’t have done that!
25
Going Viral
PROFESSOR: It would seem that two syringes are missing from the experimental animal use only supply.
GERALD: You two! I can’t believe it!
ADAM: We didn’t know what else to do!
EVE: We had to do something before it was too late!
ADAM: I will be all right won’t I, Professor?
(EVE slaps ADAM on the arm.)
EVE: That would be we thank you very much.
ADAM: (to EVE) Ah... yes... sorry. (to the PROFESSOR) We will be okay won’t we?
PROFESSOR: I don’t know for sure.
ADAM: What?
PROFESSOR: It is still a research project.
26
Going Viral
ADAM: (becoming irritated) Well, you’re the damn genius around here. You should know. You’ve discovered this and that. The bloody gay gene; antiviral vaccines. You’re the world expert on M.D.V. Will Eve and I be okay? You, of all people, must know!
PROFESSOR: It was not the gay gene as such. It is in fact a combination of the attributes of several genes.
ADAM: Whatever!
PROFESSOR: And it’s M.D.V.3, not simply M.D.V.
ADAM: M.D.V. one, two, or three it’s all the same to me.
PROFESSOR: No, it’s not all the same to you or to anybody else. M.D.V.3 is a mutating virus that has self-modified. That means it has combined with the genetics of other viruses. To put it simply it’s a bit like Covid-19, H.I.V, bird flu, swine flu and the Ebola virus all rolled into one and multiplied by ten.
ADAM: Yeah, well whatever. It’s a killer bug and you’re the big bug guy. You’ve got lab rats, chimpanzees, half a dozen laboratories and no doubt millions of dollars in drug company sponsorships. So, the big question is, am I going to be okay?
EVE: Ah hmmm... I think you still mean we.
ADAM: (To the PROFESSOR) Yes we. Are we going to be okay? (To EVE with a quick glance) Sorry.
27
Going Viral
PROFESSOR: You seem to know a lot about me then.
ADAM: Eve has a lot of faith in you I know that much. I just hope she’s right. As for me I’m not convinced.
EVE: Adam, go easy.
PROFESSOR: Now, while I may be a so called expert in some areas it doesn’t take a person of great wisdom to realise the words “Warning Experimental” and “Animal Use Only” do in fact also mean not suitable for human usage! So if you could refrain from any overly emotive responses or reactions it would be of great assistance to me in determining what is now the best course of action.
EVE: Adam is just upset. We both are. We are sorry aren’t we Adam. We meant no harm.
PROFESSOR: You meant no harm, but in fact the opposite may now be the case. It would appear to me that on the balance of probability you have indeed caused substantial harm. You see, you have returned to the compound with an active viral load on board, and regardless of the benefits or otherwise of the experimental vaccine you injected yourselves with, you have unwittingly infected everyone here. That is around five thousand people.
GERALD: Professor, permission to speak?
(The PROFESSOR turns slowly and looks at GERALD with some surprise.)
28
Going Viral
PROFESSOR: You’re actually asking me for permission?
GERALD: Given the seriousness of the situation I thought…
PROFESSOR: Yes, yes go ahead will you.
GERALD: If neither of them has been anywhere but here and in their own units, surely the spread of the virus must be contained to some extent.
PROFESSOR: The virus can survive on any surface for several weeks at normal temperature. It is spread in every way possible through contact with any bodily fluids including droplets from coughing sneezing or even breathing. If an infected person simply touches their nose then shakes hands with someone they can pass the virus across. It can be left on a bench top (he taps the top of the bench), a sharps container (he picks up the container), a microscope (he touches the microscope) or even on the page of a magazine. It is the most virulent and adaptive virus ever known. It has the capacity to destroy the entire human race. Any containment will be but a fleeting thing, but you are partly correct Gerald, it has possibly bought us a little time if nothing else.
(The PROFESSOR removes a syringe from the plastic box.)
GERALD: Professor?
PROFESSOR: When I say us. I mean the compound as a whole. This laboratory is contaminated, and I too, am contaminated.
29
Going Viral
(The PROFESSOR injects himself and discards the syringe into the sharps container.)
GERALD: Was that a good idea?
PROFESSOR: I figure Adam and Eve are still alive so a cardiac arrest or other catastrophic reaction is unlikely, so that’s a welcome start for us all isn’t it?
ADAM: Well, that’s fantastic! I feel so reassured. What about Gerry? Shouldn’t he have a shot as well?
GERALD: Hold up there cuteness! There is no Gerry here. Only a Gerald if you please.
PROFESSOR: He doesn’t need one. He is one of a very few individuals who have a natural immunity to the virus. It is because of Gerald that I have been able to develop the genetic based vaccine.
EVE: See I told you he was a special case.
(The song Y.M.C.A. suddenly cuts through the air. It is the ring tone for the mobile phone.)
“Young man, there’s a place you can go.”
“I said, young man, when you’re short on your dough.”
(The PROFESSOR looks to the phone then at GERALD who springs up from his seat.)
“You can stay there, and I’m sure you will find”
30
Going Viral
(GERALD prances over to the mobile phone. He pauses a moment and lets the song play out a little.)
“Many ways to have a good time.”
“It’s fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A”
(Near the phone GERALD goes through YMCA actions. ADAM starts bobbing his head to the music.)
“It’s fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A”
(GERALD answers the phone. He mouths a “sorry” to the PROFESSOR.)
GERALD: Lab five. You’ve found Gerald.
ADAM: (to EVE) I’m guessing Gerald is genetically gay then.
EVE: One hundred and ten percent!
ADAM: That shirt suits him don’t you think?
EVE: I do recall you describing it as woeful!
GERALD: Professor, it’s Wayne from security. He’s enquiring about your departure from the compound late last night for several hours.
PROFESSOR: (To EVE) Thank you for that Eve. (To GERALD) I need to speak with him anyway. Thanks, I’ll take it.
31
Going Viral
(The PROFESSOR takes the mobile and moves away from the others. GERALD goes back to the computer.)
EVE: So now the shit just gets deeper with both security and the Professor on our backs (she shakes her head and blots her eyes). As long as the vaccine works for us. That’s the main thing, right.
(EVE turns to ADAM. He is looking in GERALD’s direction. He has a big smile on his face and hasn’t heard anything EVE has said)
EVE: What is going on with you? Suddenly everything is so bloody amusing! Didn’t you hear anything the Professor said?
ADAM: Hey?
EVE: We have infected the lab and maybe the entire compound. We have forced the Professor into injecting himself with an experiment. And all you can do is sit there with that stupid grin on your face.
ADAM: What’s done is done we can’t change that now, but I’m hoping, and yes, I’m even praying that I will be okay.
EVE: As long as Adam is okay! Too bad about anyone else.
ADAM: Look, I’m still a bit strung out and nervous. But I am trying to relax a bit. You should do the same, honey.
32
Going Viral
(EVE stares at ADAM with disbelief. He is back looking at GERALD again. The PROFESSOR has finished his phone call.)
PROFESSOR: You should all know that we are now officially at Code Red. Which means there is no more wandering around the compound. We are confined right here in the lab. We do have supplies out back, so that won’t be a problem in the short term. I have requested the vaccine go into major production immediately. Every resident will need a dose ASAP.
EVE: But it is still experimental.
PROFESSOR: Sure it was. That time has passed. Human trials are clearly now underway. Well at least three of them are aren’t they? Gerald, have you finished checking that data yet?
(GERALD snaps closed the data folder.)
GERALD: All done our figures are correct.
PROFESSOR: Yes, of course they are. Just this once I would have liked otherwise. Our most recent data analysis shows the virus is mutating as we speak. The incubation period is set to decrease to around just two hours with a one hundred percent mortality rate within a further two hours. The world needs this vaccine as a matter of the utmost urgency.
ADAM: What about the risks?
33
Going Viral
PROFESSOR: The risks are too great not to proceed. Granted, this could be the biggest mistake of all time or it could be the saving millions of lives and we have you two to thank for putting us in this precipitous situation.
EVE: But the virus was mutating. This could be a good thing right?
GERALD: Maybe everyone will grow lots of hair and starts climbing trees.
(GERALD gives a brief imitation of a monkey.)
Sorry guys, but that would be everyone but yours truly of course. (He taps himself proudly on the chest.)
PROFESSOR: Time will tell if it’s a good thing or not, but I don’t expect we’ll be turning into monkeys. But thank you Gerald for your input.
EVE: But what about the dosage? Those injections were intended for use on the chimpanzees.
PROFESSOR: That part is fine. It is one dosage for all. The genetic based vaccine is self-replicating when introduced into the body. It will self-adjust until every cell in every organ has been affected. I estimate in most cases that should occur very quickly, in less than thirty minutes.
EVE: All this because of us?
34
Going Viral
PROFESSOR: Well not quite! This is not entirely your fault. You are quite correct though, the virus is mutating. There is no time to fully complete the chimpanzee trials, assess the results then move onto a protracted human trial program. Half the population of the earth would be dead by then.
EVE: Then what we did wasn’t so bad really?
PROFESSOR: Well, you have potentially infected around five thousand people and because of that we need to use the vaccine without knowing exactly what side effects there may be.
GERALD: Is this your scientific way of reassuring someone? I’m sorry to say but it does fall a little short of the mark, love.
(GERALD moves over and sits down putting his arm around EVE.)
PROFESSOR: I’ll deal with the facts, Gerald. You be the psychologist.
ADAM: How will we know the vaccine is working?
PROFESSOR: At the moment, apart from a degree of anxiety, you seem to me to be in a reasonable state of health. So far so good, I’d say.
ADAM: That’s it! So far so good!
PROFESSOR: Do you have severe headaches, stomach cramps, nausea, profuse sweating or high temperature?
ADAM: No.
35
Going Viral
PROFESSOR: Well then Adam, the scientific terminology at this point is so far so good!
ADAM: I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but for the world’s leading expert I’d have thought you should be testing our blood, checking our blood pressure, listening to our heart or lungs or doing some sort of test or some damn thing.
PROFESSOR: If you would like, and if it would go some way to appeasing you, Gerald could check your blood pressure or perhaps take your pulse. Quite honestly though, if any of us develop any of the symptoms we will die within four, or perhaps even two, hours. The virus will quickly invade every cell in our body. The cell structure will break down and liquefy. We will quickly lose control of our bodily functions becoming incontinent of urine and faeces. Walking or even sitting up will be impossible. Then we will begin to haemorrhage through every orifice of our bodies including our eyes. Our internal organs will virtually melt. We will be in excruciating pain for about thirty minutes before lapsing thankfully into unconsciousness then convulsing and dying.
GERALD: (To the PROFESSOR) Honestly, how does your wife put up with you?
(GERALD moves and squeezes in between ADAM and EVE. He puts a comforting arm around both of them.)
Don’t stress now my darlings. It won’t come to anything like that. You will be pleased to know that what the Professor lacks in compassion he more than makes up for in his dedication to scientific research…
36
Going Viral
GERALD (cont’d): He is obsessively meticulous with his work and I have every confidence the vaccine will work just fine.
ADAM: That’s nice, but I’m afraid after that disturbing description I do feel a little unwell.
PROFESSOR: (showing signs of annoyance) Check his pulse will you. Offer him some sort of counselling or therapy, because I have to confess to feeling some degree of irritation whenever he opens his mouth. It’s a sensation I don’t like and I believe it will conflict with a sensible processing of the relevant data.
GERALD: So you are human too! You do have feelings beneath that harsh organised exterior. It just takes a global catastrophe to unearth them!
(ADAM seems to be snuggling into GERALD.)
ADAM: You do have a very comfortable shoulder.
GERALD: Well, that’s nice. You just nuzzle in as tight as you like my lovely. If it makes you feel better that’s perfectly fine with me.
ADAM: I really like your shirt. The colours are so striking. It really suits you.
(EVE pulls a little away from GERALD and glares at ADAM.)
GERALD: Well, thank you, Adam. You’re so sweet.
37
Going Viral
EVE: I can’t believe the words I’m hearing. You hated that shirt. You’ve never liked bold colours like that before.
ADAM: I’ve changed my mind. What’s wrong with that?
EVE: It seems very weird that’s all. I can’t quite get my head around it. What’s going on?
(The PROFESSOR pauses behind the chairs and stares wide-eyed at the trio.)
GERALD: I must agree with Adam. I do fill the shirt out rather nicely even if I have to say so myself. I have…
(GERALD stops mid-sentence as he notices the PROFESSOR staring.)
What is that look for? I’ve seen that expression of yours before. What are you thinking now?
PROFESSOR: Very interesting.
(The PROFESSOR walks over to the computer, taps a couple of keys and studies the monitor for a moment.)
GERALD: What is so interesting? Come on. Do share!
PROFESSOR: Amazing.
EVE: Is there something we should know?
38
Going Viral
PROFESSOR: Perhaps.
ADAM: Are we going to die?
PROFESSOR: Oh yes, most certainly, but I’m thinking it will not be from M.D.V.3 and it will not be from the vaccine. Hopefully it will be from age related decline many years in the future. Unless I find a cure for that in the meantime of course.
(The PROFESSOR continues to study the monitor.)
GERALD: Well, this is good news then?
PROFESSOR: Just a moment.
EVE: What’s he looking for?
GERALD: Buggered if I know, love, but he’s onto something big that’s for sure.
ADAM: At least I’m going to be fine. (EVE shakes her head) That’s the main thing.
(ADAM puts his arm around GERALD’S waist.)
GERALD: Oh darling, best not cuddle up too much, you’ll be making Eve jealous.
EVE: Adam, what on earth are you doing?
39
Going Viral
ADAM: I’m not really sure. I feel a bit confused. Gerald is such a nice guy. He’s been so kind. I feel… sort of… close to him. That might sound silly, but that’s how I feel.
PROFESSOR: (Loudly) Oh my God! It’s exactly what I was thinking.
(The PROFESSOR bounces up from the chair.)
GERALD: Professor! What?
(Now GERALD springs to his feet, dislodging ADAM’S hold.)
ADAM: Gerald! Come back!
EVE: Adam! Stop being so bloody stupid!
PROFESSOR: Okay, here it is (brief pause).
GERALD: Spit it out then.
PROFESSOR: It’s a good news bad news sort of thing (brief pause).
GERALD: Yes, we’re all waiting.
PROFESSOR: The good news is the vaccine will provide one hundred percent immunity to M.D.V.3 (brief pause).
GERALD: And?
40
Going Viral
PROFESSOR: Because the vaccine is in fact a genetic based product it will inadvertently alter the sexual orientation of all heterosexual men.
(There is a brief stunned pause while all take in the information.)
EVE: Do you mean all men given the vaccine will become gay?
PROFESSOR: I’m afraid so. They will become genetic homosexuals.
GERALD: Oh, my Lord. (LAUGHS) And what was the bad news?
EVE: Shut up Gerald! What about the women?
PROFESSOR: Oh, they’ll be fine. Their sexuality will not change. The only thing is that, because of the genetic dominance of the vaccine, any male offspring will be born genetically gay as well.
EVE: You must stop the production of the vaccine.
PROFESSOR: No, we can’t go doing that.
EVE: But, you must. People must know.
PROFESSOR: Know what? That they can be either be gay or be dead!
41
Going Viral
EVE: But there are many other compounds around the world like this one. Compounds that have not been infected. We can still have many thousands of straight men and many thousands of women that can have normal children.
GERALD: I beg your pardon!
PROFESSOR: Everyone needs the vaccine. It’s the right thing to do.
EVE: I need to ring someone.
(EVE makes a dash for the mobile phone.
ADAM races after her and pushes her out the way. She ends up on the floor.
ADAM grabs the phone and tosses it over to the PROFESSOR who drops it into his lab coat pocket.)
PROFESSOR: Nicely done, Adam. You’re not such a bad sort of bloke after all. Us guys are going to have to stick together I can see that. (To EVE who is still on the floor) Now you know we are on code red. The place is locked down so there’s no running for help. We do have access to the emergency area behind the lab. Everything we need is in there. We can be self-contained here in lock down mode for at least a month. Care to join us for a drink and a little quiet relaxing music? Maybe we can all enjoy a lovely musical.
(The PROFESSOR extends his hand to help EVE up. She slaps it away.)
42
Going Viral
PROFESSOR (cont’d):(to EVE) Suit yourself, but you know where we’ll be when you calm down. (to ADAM and GERALD) Come on guys. I’m thinking I’d like to download the latest version of the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
(The PROFESSOR exits. ADAM and GERALD follow arm in arm.)
(EVE gets up and brushes herself off.)
(We hear some music start. The song “What a Wonderful World” by Louis Armstrong fills the air.)
“I see trees of green, red roses too”
“I see them bloom for me and you”
“And I think to myself what a wonderful world”
(EVE stands in centre stage staring over the heads of the audience.)
“I see skies of blue and clouds of white”
“The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night”
“And I think to myself what a wonderful world”
(The music fades. EVE turns and walks slowly off stage.)
THE END
